The outsider

Let him be the reef crushed by the waves
The lonely small red flower in the grass land
The hidden diamond on the desert

Crossing the mountains, streams, sahara
Let him use what he wants to use
Let him do what he wants to do
Let him be what he wants him to be

The devils are laughing for the fun
Pairs, triple, quadruple, more and more
It is never enough
The boy just see and say
"Let they be what they want to be" as he sees nothing.

Soft like a cotton, firm like a rock.. his heart is..
Facing the world, what you have is only you and your principles..
Do not get thrown away by the typhoon
Do not get sunk in the ocean
Build your own path, decide your own direction
By being yourself, knowing yourself, knowing what you need, knowing your dreams.

Be the outsider, and carve your stairways to heaven.

A gate opener

I am not a saint..
Nor an angel..
Nor a warrior..
Nor a noble..

I only a boy who wants to be a gate opener..
Open their ways to the world..
Open their ways to the enlightenment of science..
Ways to a better world..

I love Turkish boys!

I was so into Turkish boys since the first time I came to the Netherlands. Then, I went to Istanbul and realized that they're one of the most beautiful creatures that God ever made. The mixture of ethnics created a lot of very beautiful faces that I could find one every 3-5 minutes walk in the city. Here are some of the guys that I've met during my journey, and I hope I'll find a nice and handsome Turkish boyfriend in the future! Amien! hahaha. XD







p.s. I still have more collection in Maria's camera, but I have to wait until she comes back to the Netherlands.

p.s.s. now I'm starting to look like an old pervert.

Chapter 28: Semangat

hanya kau butuh berebah diri
tuk serahkan dirimu dalam keputus asaan
diam, terpejam, sepi
tenggelam dalam kemuraman

Tidak ada sesuatu yang sempurna
dan engkau telah berusaha
hilangkan semua pikiran - pikiran negatif
tumbuhkan emosi emosi positif

Jangan kau kecewakan orang tua yang telah berusaha
doa doa para sanak saudara
dirimu yang telah berjuang sekuat tenaga

tinggal 2 langkah
berat
tapi aku harus
takut
tapi aku maju
hilangkan semua ketidak yakinan

bismillah!!
berikan yang terbaik!
Allah yang menentukan!!

Chapter 27: Ya Allah

Ya Allah..
Aku capai..
Hati, pikiran dan tubuh..
Tapi aku harus tetap berjalan..
tertatih-tatih..
karena perang belum berakhir..

Ya Allah..
Aku tahu aku akan bertahan..
Karena aku harus..
Begitu besar pengharapan..
Begitu besar masa depan..

Ya Allah..
Mohon bagi hamba sedikit semangat-Mu..
Sedikit kreatifitas-Mu..
Sedikit energi-Mu..
Agar hamba masih kuat berjalan..
dikala semua telah telentang..

Ya Allah..
Aku akan bertahan..
Restuilah hamba..
Amien

Chapter 27: Sorry Meneer

Sorry Meneer..
I can't find the word "FAIL" in my life dictionary..
And I don't want to add a NEW ONE!!!
I'll get through this with a very big smile!!

I CAN DO THIS!!!

Chapter 26: ...

the richest man is the person who is willing to give to others..
when he is even have a little for himself..
while the poorest man is the person who is do not want to give..
while he has plenty..

the strongest person in the world..
is not the guy that has the most strength or body..
is the ugliest guy..
with a big dream..
that won't let anything get in his way..
in a positive way..

Chapter 25: Run FASTER!!

Ya, aku tahu
Seakan garis finish tercabut ketika aku bersamanya
Ya, Aku berhenti berlari
Terpesona akan sayap indah kupu-kupu
yang terbang elok didepan pandang mata

Dan sekarang pun
aku berlari dengan penuh penyesalan
tidak bisa kubohongi hatiku
yang menangis, memecahkan kaca perasaan

Namun aku tahu
Tidak ada satupun
Yang dapat menghalangiku menggapai anganku

Melihat kebelakang bukanlah menatap kemenangan
yang berlalu, biarlah
tidak ada yang perlu disesali

jika ada waktu yang terbuang percuma
kenapa kau tidak makin berlari sekuat tenaga
Tahukah kau?
Allah selalu sayang dengan hamba-Nya tidak pantang menyerah
dan selalu berusaha!

Allah selalu bersamaku
Telinga, mata, hati dan pikiran
selalu bersama-Nya
Yakinlah
semua akan terselesaikan dengan baik
tidak ada yang perlu ditakutkan
yakin
dan melangkah lah dengan dada tegap
dengan mantap

Bismillah!!

-Delft, 30 May 2010; 18:55-

Chapter 24: I know I can

Competing with the pace of time..
Running with both of my legs..
Exhausted, cramps, but I still have to..

Wish I had four legs..
Can I borrow the spiders?
Or the braids?
Otherwise I just keep running and runnning..

Can you see?
The audiences looking at me hysterically..
Some smiles, some tears, some cynical faces...

I see them..
Then my heart is broken..
Realizing that walking on my destiny path..
Can be this hard..

But please..
Change my middle name..
Change my face..
Change my history..
If I can't conquer this challenge..
I was born to be a lion tamer..
This is still his child..
I even haven't met his father yet..
And his mother even more savage..

So..
I know I can
Because I was born to be..

Chapter 23: As the time goes on...

Walking in the medieval times..
Dark, Quietly, Painfully..
Only you, torch and the rotten leafs..

The willows are standing there with their eyes open..
Water is dancing with their murmur sound..
Following me..
Running on me..
With my running steps..
In my search of..
The pairs of my heart..

The frog offered his help..
Likewise the squirrel...
but the shapes was not match..
The color was not red..
where is my pair?
I want it so bad....

And here I am..
Confusing in front of the three doors, three colors..
With other small doors nearby..
Will get bigger as I won't let it by..

The first room.. The wizard..
With his bald head, white skin, and his dining table..
Saying that he's been through the world..
The second room.. The bull...
Saying that he's the best that you can have..
But I still can't see his horn..
The third room.. The anonymous..
He looks very bright.. pushing me to close my eyes..

But I still can feel it..
Warm, peaceful, safe, and the love..
He brings me to the sky.. Flying with my eyes closed...
I don't know who's room it is..
The guys.. or other...

I let the time monster and his sister, destiny, decide it for me..
I knew they will give me the best..
I just have to give my best..

Amien

Chapter 23: If this how it feels

If this how it feels
I don't want to be like this

If this how it feels
I don't want to be like this

If this how it feels
I don't want to be like this

If this how it feels
Then I have to stop this!!!!!

Chapter 23: .....

Hei you..
What are you doing right now?
Do you ever have me in your mind?
Even just a flash?

Don't you know?
Your presence is the sharpest knife
I want to hold you
But I can't
Teared my heart into pieces...

Ik denk dat dit is niet zomaar een gevoel
Let's just see what will happen next..
Always hoping that it will be some positive things..

Chapter 23: I am not brave

I wish I had the brave
Waking up I want to see your face
Sleep at night I want to see your smile
You are the angel coming through my heart
Blew me away to the seventh heaven

I wish I had the brave
Your eyes are my sunrise
Your smile is my rainbow
You are my perfect sky
You are my hero

I wish I had the brave
All i want just to give you calls
Saying how are you
All i want just to hug you tight
Saying I love you
All i want just to kiss your lip
And hearing you to say I do

I wish I had the brave
Now I really don't know what to do
I've never decided to become a secret admirer
Move on? Or standing still?
Reach the sky? Or see it from distance?

I wish I had the brave..

Chapter 22: Asa

Mata terpadu
Membuatnya tersipu
Bunga musim semi bermekaran
Seiring terangnya kalbu

Mungkin dia hanya hidup dalam angan
Dimana semua hanya abu-abu
Praduga menari-nari
Terkadang memecahkan gelas
Menyakiti hati
Air mata luruh berlari

Entah kenapa
Angin tidak senyaman yang dinanti
Seakan mereka menghalangi
Negeri dongeng yang ada didalam mimpi

Ombak berdebar kencang
Begitu juga genderang perang
Semua takdir ataukah mimpi?
Jalani...
Tirai kan tersibak..menguak kebenaran Illahi..

-DeltaSync Office, 02/04/2010; 14:57-

Chapter 21: What a Night

Gelapnya mendung membuatku ingin bebas seperti burung
Tinggi mengangkasa tanpa ada praduga
Inginku berlari
Padang luas yang kunanti
hanya ada aku, dia dan mimpiku..

Andai aku bisa
Lepaskan semua jangkar pembelenggu
Berat, enggan kumelihat
Pandangan mataku pun memekat

Kadang
Sebercak tinta hitam dapat membutakan mata mereka
Tertutuplah istana istana yang ada didepan mata
Kecewa,, kita hanya dapat kecewa,,

Mata yang terbuka..
Niat egois duduk manis bersila..
Mengajakku bercanda, cengkrama,, berkata semua akan baik-baik saja..
Tapi apakah aku bisa? Kemana aku harus bertanya?
Apakah memang ini jalannya?

Ternyata,
Ini bukan impian dan asa..
Lariku dari hadapnya
Terus berlari
Menuju puncak cahaya yang menari..

-Delft, 30 March 2010; 23:54-

Chapter 20: .....

Deer Daiyeri,

I'm tired to tell the loneliness
I'm tired to tell emptiness
I want to feel the pain, and struggle isn't the pain
Pain of the separation
Even you'll meet them again tomorrow
Pain of the betrayal
Even it's just they can't be there when you need them to

Should I change it a little bit?
Becoming more aggressive?

I knew
They wouldn't show it
If I didn't get the signal
And here I am
Standing, waiting, wondering and writing..
Of my painting of love that don't even know when it will coming true..
I was just so scared
I am trapped..

-Delft, 21/03/2010 ; 00:14-

Chapter 19 : The calling

Deer Daiyeri,

I can't stand the call anymore
He's been calling at me
He said that this is not the right way
He said I wasn't born to do this
Was it true?

What I should do?
Should I join with hopeless club?
Which they think they rich, they don't
I want to join with the happiness
Eventhough when they aren't rich, they are

Hope this will go the right way

Delft, 20-03-2010 : 23:58

Chapter 18: ....

Deer Daiyeri,

Why Cupid still has not coming to my house?
My bell is not broken
My door is not locked
Maybe he just lost his own way

Here, 10 second feels like 10 hours
Smiling on the mirror can't be the cure forever
Seeing around made heart beat faster
Maybe he just gave his signals
But still, i did the denial

Should i help him?
But what if I got lost?
Got beaten to death?
I've been living in city of bandit
Your heart is theirs, and their heart are theirs..
Find your perfect one, means you're ready for your imperfect life..
A good heart-guardian..

-Deventer, 10/03/2010 ; 12:56 AM-

Chapter 17 : The burden

Deer Daiyeri,

Why i've been walking in this transparant line...
It's like..
I know what i'm doing..
But i really don't know why i must do it..

Is God really loves me?
Then why i can't walk together with the others..
Lightly.. No Load.. With someone I love..
Did i make mistake even before I born?
Does reincarnation even exist?
Then why I have to feel all of this?
It's heavy, God.. I want to throw it to the ocean.. I wish i could

I want to get the cure..
To be myself..
To be my own..
Live my life to the fullest..
Just... Give it to me...
Promise, I won't be bad...

-Deventer, 10/03/2010 ; 12:41 AM-

Chapter 16 : Ge-Je

Deer Daiyeri,
I don't know what should i write
I really don't know

All i know i just miss u so much
My heart screamed at me
He told me to go on you
Whatever it is

Promise i'll write soon smthing happen to me
But when is it??

T_T

Chapter 15 : The winged spider

Wow!!
Watch out!!
Hold on young man!!
Think twice when you put your nest upon my fingers!
I am very afraid with your love game....

Countless victims were lying under your web..
Was it your fragrant talk?
Creative perfume?
Or your golden web?
Or...

You're the most beautiful spider that ever exist??
Butterfly's wing on your back..
Six pairs of diamond eyes..
Silver plates around your chest..
Who would not want to surrender?

The Fire dancer also almost died!
Lucky, he was just lucky
He always brought a fire,,
The thing that you're afraid most
You hate most

Until now,,
The battle is still continuing
The future still lies ahead
Will it be the fire dancer?
Or the winged spider?
Or Both?
Whoever win...
Love will still win...

Chapter 14 : Fire Dancer

Wow..
He's been playing with fire
It can burn him into dust
Put him into crash
Don't let him go in a rush

What will happen to the fire dancer
Is he will make you scream? As he burn his heart down
Or give the unforgettable performance
The beginning of the new era

Take your deep breath and relax
The show is about to begin..

Chapter 13 : When you're living alone

When you're living alone..
The sound of second follows your heartbeat
They are tickling in your ear, loudly
And you realize
Time is extremely priceless

When you're living alone..
Knock on the door become the most beautiful song
Because you expect
Someone important is standing there
Just wanting to say hi

When you're living alone..
The light of your cellphone and PC
Suddenly become the light of your life
Because when they die
So does your heart

When you're living alone..
Your heart and your mind were opened
How important the people you left behind
How important the dream for your life
How important is your existence

When you're living alone..
Slowly, you begin to see
That this is life..
We are never really created together
All of us..
were made..
Alone..

-Deventer, 8 Februari 2010 ; 01:55 AM-

Chapter 12 : To.... Me

Why are you sitting there doing nothing?
Don't you have a lot of things waiting to be achieved?
The big dreams are still standing there
Waiting for your come
But why..
Why are you still sitting there?

On the other corner of this world
Children are struggling from the bomb
Stealing for foods
To survive
Teenagers buried inside the building
Crying for help
To survive
Young peoples are working hard
Staring at the big mountain
To make a better world
But why?
Why are you still sitting there?

There is no advantages to keep following your heart
No..
It's not your heart
It's the most evil thing causing a lot of people become unsuccessfull..
Lazyness...

You have to fight it!
You have to kill it!
You said you want to be the lion tamer, right?
The you have to fight yourself!!
If you can't win this competition
Then there is no hope for your future
I know you can to this
You always can
And you always be

-Deventer, 05/02/2010 ; 13:22 PM-

Chapter 11 : Untitled

The confusion
The scared
The liability
Am i have to get through all of it?
Why should i?

Can't we just love each other like the other?
Love is just love right?
It's pure, beautiful and yet fragile
Then, why the forbidden word goes for it?

Are we born to be a sinner?
I want to be the sun
My life is not for myself
But whatever I do, I can't get Thee full grace
Why can't i?
.....................
Why must i?

-Deventer, 04/02/2010 ; 04:47-

Chapter 10 : Singing (Part. 1)

You always become half of my life
You always be my eternal passion
One of my reason to live

Here
I couldn't find you
Creating fall for my summer heart

To be alive
I must find the path
I have to get you
I have to express myself
then i found this way..

Chapter 9 : Woman

Fly fly our drama queen
Floating beautifully like a butterfly
Caught the males in your arm
Elegantly such as white tiger

Yet toward me
You are nothing
Your sharpest glance even can not crack the chain
The fragrant talk will not stop my vain
Oh yes
I am standing in front of the gateway to hell

I do not know who i must blame for this
Is their hair not auroral?
The mountain not beautiful enough?
The well do not have the charm?
Or my heart and intention are the special one?
My lovegame never paint your name
In the future, i hope it will not be the same

-Deventer, 03/02/2010 ; 01:34 AM-

Chapter 8 : My Angel

Malam ini kutatap mata orang yang paling aku hormati dalam hidup..
Kuselami dalam-dalam…
Raut wajahnya menceritakan kesedihan yang mendalam..
Hingga kurasa besarnya beban yang beliau pikul..
Dengan tubuh yang telah termakan usia..
Mewujudkan segala tanggung jawab tulus dari hati malaikatnya..
Dalam segala laku yang senantiasa melindungi kami dari marabahaya..
Abdul Aziz Malanti, malaikat penjaga kami..

Tuhan..
Tiada balasan yang malaikat kami harapkan..
Tiada masalah yang malaikat kami berikan..
Setiap tetes keringatnya..
Hanyalah demi KEBAHAGIAAN malaikat-malaikat kecilnya..
Yang senantiasa selalu meminta lebih tanpa peduli apa yang terjadi..
Sayapnya yang telah penuh luka..
Tetap merangkul kami dengan penuh kehangatan..
Demi KERUKUNAN dalam keluarga yang dilindunginya..
serta KEDAMAIAN dan KEBENARAN demi keselamatan bersama…

Sering dia utarakan hal tentang kematian..
Seakan dia bisa merasakan bahwa semua akan segera berakhir..
Kekekalan memang bukanlah milik manusia..
Namun kumohon padaMu dalam tiap sembahku..
Janganlah renggut beliau dari kami..
Sebelum kami dapat membalas semua yang telah dia berikan..
Sebelum kami dapat membuatnya menangis..
Penuh kebahagiaan..
Sebelum kami dapat menjadi apa yang beliau cita-citakan..
Sebelum kami dapat mengembalikan kebahagiaannya yang telah lama sirna..

Kala ini..
Aku hanya dapat berdoa..
Dan meraih semuanya demi menjadi orang yang berguna..
Semua untuk senyum penuh bangga..
Mengembalikan cahaya dalam relung hatinya..
Menghilangkan semua rasa sia-sia..
Kuyakin ku bisa..
Demi malaikatku tercinta..
Love u dad..

-Surabaya, 07-09-2008-

PS : Sebetulnya tulisan lama, namun baru saya posting sekarang. :)

Chapter 7 : Spirit

What's wrong with my heart?

I want to move, but i can't

My ambition is binding me with a huge pivot

My freedom also told me not

Arrived here

I always want to fly as free as a dragonfly

I want to do what my mind want me to do

I know what is my boundary

But i don't want other people make it for me

Maybe i've been carrying an evil on my shoulder

Since tonight i can't be a real fighter

My motivation is really weak

I need some trigger to achieve my peak

Allah,

What should i do?

Could you just tell me what is the secret on a hero?

Could you share your eternal flame and placing it inside?

I need your guidance

I am begging you

Knees and begged

Crying and despair

-Deventer, Wednesday 27th January 2010-

Chapter 6 : Internship

Bulan Februari sudah tinggal hitungan hari, yang berarti it's time to begin my internship and research project. Namun sampai sekarang, engga ada perusahaan yang kasih keputusan positif terhadap aplikasi yang aku kirim kemereka. Sudah lebih dari 10 perusahaan yang aku tuju, namun hanya 1 yang berminat mengundangku untuk interview ( IMOSS dan itu pun mereka menolak karena ada kandidat lain yg lebih berkompeten.. which i agreed with that opinion), sisanya menolak dan 2 perusahaan masih menunggu jawaban. Dag Dig Dug Pasrah

Sehari sebelum pemberitahuan kepastian kerja di IMOSS, i had this very bad mood and i felt smthing about my internship. Engga tahu, biasanya engga pernah mikirin ampe bad mood banget, namun kemarin itu bener2 sampe merasuk ke hati dan bikin pikiran jadi negatif semua. And that was how Allah preparing myself for that news with giving those signal. Ketika berdoa pada Allah pun, aku merasa bahwa perusahaan itu bukanlah perusahaan yang akan Dia berikan padaku. He have smthing better for me. I don't know, i just knew it.

Smthing better for me yg akan Allah berikan adalah sebuah kepastian kerja di perusahaan yang berskala lebih besar atau bahkan engga kerja sama sekali. Entahlah, mungkin ketika aku engga dapat kepastian kerja internship (which 2 temanku yg lain di URP udah dapet project2 yg super keren sementara aku masih menunggu) mungkin akan membuatku shock dan down untuk beberapa saat. Bahkan aku sempat berpikir untuk mengisolasi diri dari mereka for few moment. Sedikit protes aja kepada takdir. :p

Kedua sisi jawaban tersebut aku melihatnya sebagai sesuatu yg positif. Di sisi pertama, aku pengen banget mendapatkan project yang keren untuk internshipku dengan bayaran dan pengalaman yang sesuai. Aku harap KUIPER dan WEST 8 bisa memberikan jawaban yg positif dan memberikanku kesempatan. Namun dilain sisi, aku juga melihat..... It's okay!! Kadang aku juga perlu untuk merasakan sebuah kegagalan.. Aku perlu ditampar, aku perlu diingatkan.. bahwa semua yg aku punya ternyata masih belum cukup.. Allah tahu bahwa aku punya impian yang sangat tinggi, aku orang yang berambisi.. dan Allah tahu bahwa aku harus belajar banyak, terjatuh dengan keras, bangkit lagi dan menjadi insan yang jauh lebih baik dan lebih kuat.. Aku akan belajar Adobe Illustrator, 3D Max, Adobe Photoshop, ikut kompetisi2 atau cari kerja part time.. There are many option that i can spend for my free time though..

But still, i want the best.. and the best is Get a Very Extra Cool Project for My Internship!!! Semoga bisaa!!

And lastly....

This night..

I have this strange dream about my internship. Ada orang yg kasih proyek bagus banget ke aku, namun dia masih mengajukan beberapa syarat dan masih hrus ada penyaringan lagi. Entahlah, apakah itu karena aku terlalu mikir banget, akhirnya sampe kebawa mimpi. Atau itu adalah pertanda positif dari Allah. And of course! i hope that it will be realized in the future.. Bismillah, semoga Engkau berikan aku jalan yg terbaik ya Allah... ^_^

-Deventer, Friday 22nd January, 2010-